I Should Be Better By Now

"The person I am, and the person I'll be refuse to meet." — The Avett Brothers

I’m a New Year’s junkie. It’s my favorite holiday, my favorite time of year. I love the ritual of opening a fresh journal, staring at the blank possibility of 365 unwritten days ahead. I’ve never met a resolution, productivity hack, or annual review template I didn’t like. My wife and kids are very aware of this obsession. January in my house is basically a series of mini TED talks on new routines, behavioral psychology studies, and big ideas on being better.

So why isn’t it working?

Over the holiday break, I had a few moments I wasn’t proud of. And this nagging thought kept whispering: I should be better by now.

Do you ever feel that way? Like you’re not living up to the person you thought you’d be? My guess is that if you’re reading this, you’re someone who cares deeply about growing and living with purpose. That’s what can make the gap between where you are and where you want to be painful.

I’ve spent all of my adult life in the business of meaning-making, and I guess I had some assumption that I’d be further along by now because of this. Teaching, leading retreats, counseling, supporting education and community building—helping others find purpose has been how I made a living. I’ve had the honor of officiating weddings and helping people die well.

And yet here I am—at times far more defensive, impatient, and grumpy than I'd like to be. I spend time that I can't get back being hard on myself for not being better.

Here's the thing, I know perfection is a myth. But the ego loves to remind me that I should have mastered more of life's challenges by this point.

The Gap is a Sign You’re on the Right Track

What about you? Ever felt like you’re not enough even though you’re one of the ones who is trying? New Year’s resolutions already falling short three weeks in? Checkmarks next to gym visits not where you want them to be? Words and thoughts not as compassionate as you promised yourself? Well, congratulations! That feeling? It means the part of you that cares is alive. It’s proof that you’re reaching for something.

If you feel stuck in that gap, here are three things to keep in mind:

1. Your Imperfections Are Your Teachers
   The more you reflect, the more your flaws stand out. Like a master craftsman who notices every crack in the wood, you see the gap between who you are and who you want to be. That’s a good thing. It means you’re paying attention.

   My therapist reminds me of the Buddhist idea that goals worth having often seem to move further away the closer we get. Attaching too much to the striving can be painful, but that ache—that longing to grow—is progress.

   Next time you feel that sting, thank it. Out loud or in writing, acknowledge it as evidence of a heart that longs for wholeness.

2. Take the Long View
   Zoom out. Look back at the person you were ten, twenty, or thirty years ago. What have you learned? How have you grown?

   If you’re like me, the lessons weren’t easy. But they’re there, and they’re worth celebrating. Make a list of those hard-won victories. I promise, you’ve grown more than you think.

3. Practice Self-Compassion
   Dr. Kristin Neff, an expert on self-compassion and a professor at UT Austin, asks a simple but powerful question: How would you talk to a friend who feels like they’re failing?

   Would you tell them they’re a mess? Or would you say: “Hey, everybody struggles. You aren’t where you want to be yet, but that’s because you’re growing. And I love you just as you are.”

   Saying that to yourself might sound awkward, but it helps.

Wishing you were a better version of yourself isn't a sign that you're failing. It’s evidence that the part of you longing for growth and wholeness is alive and well.

So here’s to 2025. May it be a year of growth in the things that matter to you—and even more, a year where you love yourself for trying.

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