Aaron. about five years ago, you recommended Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart" to me. Since then, it has been my constant companion. Finding the lessons in the rubble is probably our most powerful work -- but inherently agonizing. Love your thought about the elongating gap between us and our most meaningful goals. If only "objects in your rearview mirror" were further away than they appeared. Good to see your words.
Good to hear from you, Elaine. I got a chance to read through some of your recent posts, and they are lovely. So meaningful and honest. Thank you. Have you read the poem "The Layers" by Stanley Kunitz? Your comment here seems so in line with what he talks about there. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/54897/the-layers And yes, Pema is such a good companion. I'm very glad to know this has been a helpful resource!
I approach the new year as you do, excited for my new blank daytimer, fresh goals, the possibility that this year I'll finally become who I want to be. But dealing with Long-Haul COVID for almost a year has changed my perspective. This year there will be no 25 Goals for 2025, no book-reading benchmark, no overarching theme for the year. I will just be. I will follow my mind, heart, and body where they want to go. I will tap into my inner Dr. Pangloss and "cultivate my own garden"—with the election results and topsy-turviness in the world, if there's ever been a year to focus inward and find joy in simple pleasures, this is it. I'm intrinsically goal-oriented*, so we'll see how it goes, but I'm excited to try to live small this year.
* I've had enough therapy to know that my need to overachieve has more to do with not feeling worthy of love than it does with the goals themselves.
Queta, what a thoughtful response and approach. That desire to overachieve speaks so loud to us, doesn’t it? I am very interested to hear how this period of tending your own garden goes!
I'm glad to have these wise words, Aaron. I hadn't seen a post in a while and I was hoping you'd be back soon with a message. I am frustrated with myself in just these ways all the time. Thank you for providing some insight.
It is true that so often we fall short of expectations…..Particularly the expectations we put on ourselves! I think the reason for that is because we see both sides of the attempts and the failures. We know the intention and we know, only we know, the effort we put forth. The supportive and loving friends only see what we have shown them. They see the “outside” and they console us and assure us that we are loved and forgiven for the times we fall short. Our guilt comes from what we know on the “inside.”
We must be very careful not to be too comfortable with their compassion and assurances that we are doing fine, that we are just being too hard on ourselves. We take to heart their observations (the part we have allowed them to see) and make a list of how we have grown. We rationalize our “sins” as growing pains. We move forward with their blessings. But we know the inside story! We know a darker side of our failures. We recognize patterns that others may not see. And when we forgive ourselves too soon with reasons and rationalizations in attempt to project our growth, we may be only working on that “outside” image. We must be honest with ourselves. If there are patterns, if the dark side continues to “bubble up,” it is because we haven’t truly dealt with it. We continue to give ourselves a “pass” as we are encouraged to do. But make no mistake, if there are patterns, it is because we have carried the problem behavior with us. The issue may not be an isolated event, but a pattern. There is a difference in forgiving a behavior and fixing it. And the “fixing” is an “inside” job! And harder than you think!
I miss your sermons and the thoughts they inspired…. But graciously, Substack is providing another avenue to hear your thoughts….. and a place to.share my own.
Thank you for providing clarity on this state of unsettledness. I used to see this as personal failure of never reaching the goal. Old age has helped me realize that it is a virtue that results in forever youth seeking something - what ever it is.
I realized one day that I AM better, and that I want to be even better. That zooming out is a big deal. We’re like the stock charts that you can see how far a stock as come as you zoom out 6 month, one year, five years. Up down up down. But overall a massive upturn. It’s fun.
Also...there is our particular neurological make-up to consider. Not everyone is the same or can use the same solutions. There are some generalities, but also individual aspects to consider. I know from my experience in the neurodiverse world, and even amongst my peers there are so many differences and combinations. Add to that our mind being conditioned to family, generational, and cult norms and possible traumas. Constructing the new narrative takes time and incremental steps.
Aaron! Outstanding to hear your voice. This was much needed for me to hear this morning. Despite my best efforts, “I should be better by now” is still a recurring thought for me, too. Thank you for the encouragement to bless myself and shift focus to the many great things I have already accomplished. All the best to you and your beautiful family and happy new year!☀️
Aaron. about five years ago, you recommended Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart" to me. Since then, it has been my constant companion. Finding the lessons in the rubble is probably our most powerful work -- but inherently agonizing. Love your thought about the elongating gap between us and our most meaningful goals. If only "objects in your rearview mirror" were further away than they appeared. Good to see your words.
Good to hear from you, Elaine. I got a chance to read through some of your recent posts, and they are lovely. So meaningful and honest. Thank you. Have you read the poem "The Layers" by Stanley Kunitz? Your comment here seems so in line with what he talks about there. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/54897/the-layers And yes, Pema is such a good companion. I'm very glad to know this has been a helpful resource!
Thank you for reading my posts and for your kind comments. I will find "The Layers." So good to connect with you, Aaron.
I approach the new year as you do, excited for my new blank daytimer, fresh goals, the possibility that this year I'll finally become who I want to be. But dealing with Long-Haul COVID for almost a year has changed my perspective. This year there will be no 25 Goals for 2025, no book-reading benchmark, no overarching theme for the year. I will just be. I will follow my mind, heart, and body where they want to go. I will tap into my inner Dr. Pangloss and "cultivate my own garden"—with the election results and topsy-turviness in the world, if there's ever been a year to focus inward and find joy in simple pleasures, this is it. I'm intrinsically goal-oriented*, so we'll see how it goes, but I'm excited to try to live small this year.
* I've had enough therapy to know that my need to overachieve has more to do with not feeling worthy of love than it does with the goals themselves.
Happy New Year, Aaron. I miss seeing you.
Queta, what a thoughtful response and approach. That desire to overachieve speaks so loud to us, doesn’t it? I am very interested to hear how this period of tending your own garden goes!
it is the people who do the most who are hardest on themselves.
I have seen this so many times!
Aaron, Great to see this. Very insightful and helpful as we live day-to-day. All the best to you these days! Celebrate the New Year.
Thanks, Max! Here's to a wonderful 2025 for you
I'm glad to have these wise words, Aaron. I hadn't seen a post in a while and I was hoping you'd be back soon with a message. I am frustrated with myself in just these ways all the time. Thank you for providing some insight.
Thanks, Marc! The frustration is real - glad I am not the only one
It is true that so often we fall short of expectations…..Particularly the expectations we put on ourselves! I think the reason for that is because we see both sides of the attempts and the failures. We know the intention and we know, only we know, the effort we put forth. The supportive and loving friends only see what we have shown them. They see the “outside” and they console us and assure us that we are loved and forgiven for the times we fall short. Our guilt comes from what we know on the “inside.”
We must be very careful not to be too comfortable with their compassion and assurances that we are doing fine, that we are just being too hard on ourselves. We take to heart their observations (the part we have allowed them to see) and make a list of how we have grown. We rationalize our “sins” as growing pains. We move forward with their blessings. But we know the inside story! We know a darker side of our failures. We recognize patterns that others may not see. And when we forgive ourselves too soon with reasons and rationalizations in attempt to project our growth, we may be only working on that “outside” image. We must be honest with ourselves. If there are patterns, if the dark side continues to “bubble up,” it is because we haven’t truly dealt with it. We continue to give ourselves a “pass” as we are encouraged to do. But make no mistake, if there are patterns, it is because we have carried the problem behavior with us. The issue may not be an isolated event, but a pattern. There is a difference in forgiving a behavior and fixing it. And the “fixing” is an “inside” job! And harder than you think!
I miss your sermons and the thoughts they inspired…. But graciously, Substack is providing another avenue to hear your thoughts….. and a place to.share my own.
An inside job for sure! Great to hear from you, and thank you for reading!
Thank you for providing clarity on this state of unsettledness. I used to see this as personal failure of never reaching the goal. Old age has helped me realize that it is a virtue that results in forever youth seeking something - what ever it is.
I realized one day that I AM better, and that I want to be even better. That zooming out is a big deal. We’re like the stock charts that you can see how far a stock as come as you zoom out 6 month, one year, five years. Up down up down. But overall a massive upturn. It’s fun.
Also...there is our particular neurological make-up to consider. Not everyone is the same or can use the same solutions. There are some generalities, but also individual aspects to consider. I know from my experience in the neurodiverse world, and even amongst my peers there are so many differences and combinations. Add to that our mind being conditioned to family, generational, and cult norms and possible traumas. Constructing the new narrative takes time and incremental steps.
Aaron! Outstanding to hear your voice. This was much needed for me to hear this morning. Despite my best efforts, “I should be better by now” is still a recurring thought for me, too. Thank you for the encouragement to bless myself and shift focus to the many great things I have already accomplished. All the best to you and your beautiful family and happy new year!☀️